(Finding Myself In You) Chapter 3: Conquering My Fears

dear-white-people-logan-browning-01

FAN FICTION

For the last couple months, Logan has been going on morning runs to clear her mind for the big day. With tomorrow being the day, she expands her run to five miles. When Logan gets back to the apartment Ann notices that she is approaching. Ann goes through some mail and puts Logan’s mail on the counter while saying, “how was your run?”
“I did quite a bit of thinking but I don’t know if my mind feels clear,” Logan says giggling as she walks towards the elevators.
“Make sure you read the sign, don’t use the left elevator, it’s not working well. They’re supposed to come in sometime today and fix it,” Ann yells.
Those words were enough for Logan to take a few steps back as Logan’s fear of isolation starts to kick in. All she remembers being stuck in a box, and not being able to come out. If anyone even mentions any type of isolation, she will avoid it completely. As soon as those words come out of Ann’s mouth, Logan decides she rather go up a flight of steps than to get stuck in an elevator.
As she opens a door to go up the staircase, Michael walks up behind her and says, “Why are you taking the steps?”
She turns back to him with no sudden expression and says, “Ann said the elevator is acting funny so I’m taking the steps.”
“She said the left elevator is acting funny,” Michael laughs.
“Yeah, but I rather not take my chances. So, I’m taking the stairs,”
“Stop being so scared,” he says as grabs her hand and heads to the elevator.
“Michael you seriously don’t get it, I can’t take the elevator,” she says while pulling away.
“Nothing’s going to happen to you. I got you,” he says as he smiles at her.
They lock eyes for a quick minute before the elevator opens. Logan takes a step back afraid to walk in. Michael grabs her hand tight; Michael says. “I got you.” They both walk into the elevator and Logan turns towards the elevator doors, watching as the door closes. Her heart starts beating out of her chest, her hands start sweating, and she begins to hyperventilate. When Michael realizes it more serious than he thought. He puts his hands around her speaking directly into her ear, “you’re OK, we’re going up, nothing’s happening.” He continues pointing to the numbers moving, “look at the numbers.” Logan starts to focus her attention to the numbers as they go up one, two, three, four. She begins to calm down with every number change. Suddenly the elevator jerked and stopped at the fourth floor. In the moment her whole body feels like it’s seizing up and she can’t move. Michael starts to speak to her, but nothing is getting through to her. She remains still as a block. Michael turns her towards him and starts shaking her and calling her name multiple times. After a few minutes, she snaps back into the moment. Her worst nightmare has become her reality. She is stuck in isolation with no way to escape.

Michael-B-Jordan-VIBE-5-640x960-compressed
“Logan! Pay attention to me,” Michael says. “Listen to my voice. Logan look at me.”
“Michael why are we not moving?” Logan says looking around the elevator as if there was some way that she can get out.
“The elevator is broken. I spoke to someone and they’re going to get us out of here as soon as possible”
“Michael, I can’t be stuck in here! I can’t be stuck in here,” Logan says walking in circles frantic.
Michael grabs each of her hands and holds them tight, “Logan I got you…take deep breaths.”
“I can’t be stuck in here,” Logan mentions again.
“Just listen to my voice, follow what my voice is telling you to do,” Michael says with a smile. “Take deep breaths, in and out.”
Logan begins to follow Michael’s voice and repeats everything he says. She tries to control her thoughts. She finally pulls it together until she starts thinking deep again and says, “I’m going to die in here. I don’t want to die alone.”
“Look at me! You’re not dying and you’re not alone. I’m right here. If you can’t see me listen to my voice. I am here and I’m not going anywhere I’m in here with you. We are both stuck in here together. Whatever happens to you will happen to me.”
After about 20 minutes of consoling Logan, Michael finally gets her to calm down. Now she’s in a corner rocking back-and-forth playing with their fingers as Michael is talking to the firefighters. Once they’re off the call Michael goes in the corner with Logan and sits as close as he can. “I’m back, Micheal says, I’m right here with you.”
Logan doesn’t say a word she just sits there silently rocking back and forth. Michael sits directly in front of her and curls up just like her and places his hands-on top of hers. For a few moments he just sits there holding her hand then he slowly let’s her hand go to move her head up to look into her eyes. He notices Logan’s forehead and face is drenched with sweat. Unbothered by the sweat, Michael places his head slowly to hers. When he finally gets her attention, he speaks to her calmly and slowly. There’s no space between them for her to avoid and ignore him. The words that come out of his mouth directly fall into hers and she’s forced to listen.
“Listen to my voice,” Michael says.
Logan doesn’t respond or even acknowledge Michael; she’s just rocking back-and-forth and Michael grabs her hand again and turns her face to look directly into his eyes. She still has tears slowly falling down her face. Michael wipes each eye and says, tell me something about yourself that no one else knows
Finally, Logan is looking directly at him as tears fall down her face again as Michael slowly wipes them away
I’m waiting and don’t say you’re scared of small spaces, Michael says with a smile
Logan stops rocking back-and-forth takes a deep breath then says, I’ve always wanted to just go to the islands and sit and watch the tides on the beach
That’s good, that’s what I want you to think about, you and me on the beach together watching the tides. We’re not in the elevator, we’re on the beach together, close your eyes and just think of that.
Logan tries her best to focus on Michael. She starts to breathe really hard, but Michael grabs her hand tighter and says, think of the tides. She takes a deep breath and she starts thinking about the island with her and Michael together sipping from coconuts laughing and enjoying life. For a few moments she even imagined him holding her in the room in the most romantic way. As she is imagining him about to kiss her the elevator doors open, and she quickly opens her eyes. Michael turns around in complete shock, stands up and then lifts Logan from the ground. it’s all over, he says as he pulls her out of the elevator. I told you it’s just you and me nothing was going to happen to you as long as I’m here. As Logan feels the fresh air from the hallway, she takes a deep breath and snaps out of her daze. When she realizes that she’s no longer on the elevator she looks around takes another breath and then a sigh of relief as she hugs Michael as tight as she can, thank you she says, “thank you so much.”
Michael hugs her back and says, “I didn’t do anything, it was all you, you conquered your fear all I did was stand here and talk to you, but you did all the hard work. You believed in yourself and you got out of it safe.”
Turner comes running through the front doors of the building, with a concerned look on his face. Once he gets a visual of Logan, he runs up to her and says, “are you OK?”
“I’m fine,” she says she looks at Turner, “how did you know I was stuck in the elevator?”
Ann called me when the elevator stopped. I was at work, but I left immediately. I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier.
“It’s fine,” Logan says, “there’s nothing you could’ve done anyway. You came all the way up here because I was stuck in an elevator?”
“Yes, of course I came . If you need me I’m going to be here for you, you should know that by now,” Turner says.
“What happened? How are you able to handle it all?”
Logan turns and looks at Michael saying, “My neighbor Michael was in the elevator with me. He really helped me through it all. I thought I was literally going to die and he brought me back to life.”
“Thank you, for taking care of her,” Turner says.
Michael doesn’t say anything he just nods and head.
Turner slowly walks with Logan up the stairs to the eighth floor. He takes her to the house, goes into the bathroom and runs her a warm bath. Once he takes her into the bathroom, he slowly takes each piece of clothing off and tells her to step into the bathtub. She sits down in the soapy water and doesn’t say a word. It’s as if she’s not in control of her body like a zombie. He turns around so he can wash her from head to toe.
After her bath he gets her dressed and carries her to bed like a scared young child. He puts her down gently then he gently curls up next to her. As their bodies meet her body seems to relax. She feels comfortable with Turner. The next morning, she wakes up with Turner lying next to her. Their usual routine has now been reunited. There’s a comforting feeling when Turner is next to her.

FAN FICTION